butterfly lament

Hello you guys! It has been so long since I’ve wrote here. I can’t say I’m busy. I just don’t have the mood to write and all for your information my roommate has left me. She went home because her sickness is too much to handle. Its probably is best for her since she wouldn’t even concentrates on her studies here. The last thing I know is that her sickness isn’t epilepsy. Her brain scan denies this and a doctor said maybe she had a psychological problem.

So I am now alone in this room. I kind of like it in a way cause I can have a bit of privacy but sometimes I get lonely in this room. But I can do anything as long as I have my laptop and music.

So lately I don’t have any mood or drive to blog. I dunno…may be because I think it’s not worth it. It becomes such a chore and it’s not fun anymore. I feel like I’m trying to please somebody or everybody and not me. And I’m tired of feeling not heard. I mean I know there are people who reads my stuff but I cannot see it…I don’t have any proof. I didn’t receive any comment. I don’t care what kind of comments I know this is a cliché “be careful of what you wish for” but I like having some feedback to let me know that someone out there are reading my thoughts are sharing my dreams and understand what I’m going thru.

No this is not a good final or some last entry in my blog and when you can stop and as saying that sometimes I get tired. tired of doing something and not get anything. I’ve been totally a teenage dirtbag lately. really I can’t do anything right. i skip classes. and I hate what I am doing now which is studying. I hate studying. I wanna kick back and watch TV for the rest of my life. I know it sounds silly but a part me didn’t understand what it takes to be successful. there’s a tiny bits inside of me thats still a child who thinks I can live happily ever after without even sacrificing something to achieve it. I’m ready to leave this university nonsense behind if I have the power or the ability to achieve something and to become rich without higher education. I think I’ll be happiest person in the world. but I don’t have any talent I’ve tried all my life to find it but to no avail. I felt so useless!