realization

I'm back.

My weekend is not enjoyable at all...huhu...I barely even got time to do my project work AND download a whole bunch of songs off limewire.

And after receiving a lecture from my mother, I've realised that I'm a failure. There are too many reason why I think that, I will never be able to list them all. Here's a few from the top of my head...

I have just a year left to complete my studies, yet my pointer seem to go down, down, down the drain. First, 2.67 then 2.43, then 2.25...I wonder will I ever be able to reach at least 3.00 by the end of my studies? I'm such a disappointment to my mom. She said, she really wants her kids to be successful in the studies, so that we don't have to beg from other people to help us when we have unsatisfying jobs later on. She figured that if me and my bro stick it up with studying and not prioritize in other things, we'd eventually become better and smarter. it's not that we're not smart, just lazy and we're putting entertainment as top priority.

I understand that I put entertainment first. For example, I could've studied about the courses that I took right now. University course. But instead of doing that, I study Spanish language, memorizing song lyrics, learning to play the guitar, surfing the net for useless trivia. I'd rather do all that than studying for my future! And at the end of the day, what do I get? Nothing. Zero. Nothing to write about in exams coz I've been studying something else. What will I do when I finally flunked this course? My Spanish is still poor...my voice is not that great...my guitar playing is worst than most people...I will be just a below average person who just pollutes the environment and stealing air. A waste of space. And I'm fat...and no guy will marry me so i can be a housewife. I can be a good housewife, but nobody wants me. I'll be the worst kind of human being!

If I'm applying for a job with my mediocre result, nobody will take me in. It'll be a different story if I'm breathtakingly beautiful, or if I'm a good speaker. But I'm none of the above! I'm not smart, I'm lazy, Ugly and shy! The only thing I can be if I keep procrastinating and lazying around is a crazy cat lady.

And sometimes I don't get it. Why I'm wasting away. I dunno, maybe this thing is like a chip that's embedded in my brain. Sometimes I don't realize what I'm doing to my mother. I ask for too much! And yet I give so little. I want a keyboard, mp3 player, travelling abroad, expensive books...and then I wonder why my mother don't wanna let me buy it. I always said that she's not "sporting" and stingy. But after her lecture yesterday, I came to my senses. I have no rights to ask for any of the things that I want. I'm a useless litle fuck!!! Why SHOULD she give me what I want? Knowing that the stuffs that I wanted will drift me further apart from reality! Can the things that I want book me for a bright future?? NO!

And travelling. She always said that she wanted to go to places too. But when I say to her that I want to go travel...she said "Watching the travel channel is more than enough...you can see the cultures, food, scenery at the comfort of home!" And I snapped. I didn't think. In her lecture, she said that she can easily go travel right now, but she is content just watching about those countries on the tv. It's not that she doesn't want it as badly as I, but she needs to save up the money that she have now for her future! She needs to be able to live as satisfyingly as she is now when she retired 4 years to come. She said she can't rely on her children to support her when she retire. And in my heart, I know she can't fully depend on me, coz I'm terrible. I dunno la what's wrong with me...sometimes I snapped without listening to reasons. Now I know why she's not spoiling me and my bro. I wish I could be more like her and plan out my future.

To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I wanna do after graduation. How pathetic is that?

I'm not gonna write here that I'm working on beating procrastination. Coz I'm afraid I don't come through. Just like my diet plan, it didn't go as smoothly as I would like. But know that I'm searching for motivation on the net and pasting it in my motivation book.