what a weekend.

Argh I can't seem to start writing coz I'm busy looking at other sites...heeehh.

So much happened since my last update. So I'm gonna tell you about them briefly. I hate writing long, long posts. I find it uninteresting.

I watched Se7en finally! Gosh! It is not as scary as I'd imagined. I almost regretted that I put off seeing this movie just because I thought it was scary and gory as hell. In fact, it's nothing! I've seen far worst! Sorry to say that. But the story is great. I love it. I'm kinda disappointed that it did not scared the hell outta me like I thought it should. And I have this stinkin feelin that I've read the book la...back when I was in Form 3, I remember seeing the book adaptation in the library. But I can't remember whether I borrowed it or not...hmmm. I felt like I know what's going to happen, not because of it's predictable, no. This movie is quite twisted. But I somehow have fague memory of it, like a deja vu or something. Maybe I DID borrow and read that book...coz at the end of that movie, I kinda know what will happen. And at the end is some wicked twist! You must watch this movie to see the twist, it's amazing! But I think the best twist ending ever is the ending of The Usual Suspects. I begggggggg you guys to go see it. The twist in The Usual Suspects is mind-blowing! Like baaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmm!!! Argh I dont make any sense...haha I'm overwhelmed by the greatness of that ending! Go see it! If you want, ask me, I'll send it to you! Arrghhhhhhhhh!

Okay enough already, Keyser Soze!

The performance went well. Though I was bloody tired of rehearsals and the concert itself, I had a blast. Being with my bandmates, great friends! I love you guys...I'm sad that this is going to be the last time we're gonna sit together and jamming at the UKM studio. No more seeing the guys jamming various songs...I love to see them jamming. So cool. Although I thought I messed up the most during the performance, I still hope we get good grades for it...probably an A maybe? Hehehe...It's been a LooooooNGGG time since I got an A in anything. Pathetic loser...

Never mind the grades! I had a great time and for the first time I felt an adrenaline rush from performing on stage. Hey doing back up is also performing right? I was nervous the whole time...but when upstage, the light was sooo bright and there's a smoke machine dispersing smoke all around us, it makes it hard to see the audience, therefore making me less nervous. It's like the ostrich syndrome; if you don't see them, then they're not there. Hahahah...But my friend recorded us performing and she said the main camera focused on the back ups too...hehe I'm so embarrased. The main camera is the pro cameramen's camera, which projects the recording onto a BIG screen. So there ya go...everyone saw close ups of my zitty face and chubby cheeks. GREAT. :'(

That's all about the performance. Next, I went home on Sunday. And go shopping afterwards. And my mom bought me a new hand phone. What??!!

Yeah that's right. I got a new mobile now! Arghhhh! I still can't believe it myself. Can you believe it? Let me explain how I got it.

We were eating at A&W...and then I was feeling really chatty and talk so much with my mom and bro. Maybe because I'm still excited and adrenaline still in my body from previous night. And then, my bro went to wash his hands after he finished eating his burger. And then he came back and told me "You know what? I think we're the noisiest here, you know. I heard your voice very clearly when I wash my hand right there". And my mom agreed with him and said how every one will stare at us whenever I argue with my bro in public. And then I stew. I decided to become mute. I was so affected by what they had just said. You know why? I felt embarrassed too...because at school, every one says that I'm too quiet. And now, I'm the noisiest?? What bullshit rite? And at that moment I became really cranky. And a couple of minutes later, I quarreled with my bro again, and I lost it and my voice is high again, and people are staring at me again! I wanted to shout at them "What U LOOKIN AT??! Asshole!", but I won't. I never would.

Next thing I knew, I let out my feelings about the effect of my mom and bro's remark at my voice. And the other next thing I knew, we're at a mobile counter, coz my bro wanted to buy prepaid. And I don't know what I said after that. Suddenly my mom wanted to buy me a new phone. Maybe I was complaining about my pathetic old phone...I dunno. I don't seem to have a memory of what I said that makes my mom agree to buy it. To cut this already long story, I got the phone. Yep. I will post a picture to you guys when my mom comes back from work. Use her phone to snap a pic of my phone.

You know I hate to burden my mom? I seldom ask for luxury things. Even at that time, I remembered asking her "Are you sure, mom?" coz I'm afraid I'm burdening her. But she said sure. My bro want one too...typical. And then she said, "Hey I bought you a watch last week, rite. No asking for more!" So I guess she's feeling sorry for me coz I never begged her for anything this past few months. And my bro is the opposite. Every other day he will ask for something. So I guess she wanted to cheer me up. I appreciated it very much. And I still can't get over how easy it was this time...I've been wanting a new phone since last year. Peer pressure and all. All my friends seem to afford having a nice mp3, camera phone. And now I have one too...hehe.

Okay that's all I guess. Looks like this is a long entry after all. I can't control my fingers from telling all these stories. So now I'm gonna go cook chicken soup and stir fry vege for lunch. Adios amigos y amigas!

100th episode!

Yay Blogger's back! I dunno why I can't post anything yesterday, so I assume that it was down.

This is my 100th entry! Woooot! I wanna be positive today. The last entry was intense...and I don't wanna recall that anymore.

Okay now all that filled my mind are disturbing movies and photoshop. =)

I love disturbing movies. It's official! I'm in lurve. I just finished watching Blue Velvet last night and it was crazy! Other movies I've watched since my last update on movies: Mulholland Drive, Memento and Fight Club. Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive are both from director David Lynch. I swear, this David Lynch is one twisted man! And original. And creative. I wanna see all his movies! Haha.

I'm beginning to like movies that are mind boggling and mind numbing. Mind numbing, means that after watching the whole movie, I was like, "What the f*** just happened??" and I go on feeling empty or scared at the weirdness of it all! Now that's scary. I mostly don't get it the very first time. And I feel like I wanna see it again right after that, but as I move the cursor to click on the play button again, I got scared. Really scared...like my brain was on overload and I can't take it anymore. "Give it a day or two lah", I said and quickly closed Windows Media Player.

But last night while watching the other half of Blue Velvet (I watched the first half 2 days ago), it was terrifying. It's not gory or horror, but it's weird and disturbing to the mind. I'm still full of questions about this movie...why did he do this...why that...how?? Argh I will see this movie again sometimes. Hopefully with a friend, so I can discuss with someone... :)

If you wanna see it, just message me...hehe I have em all in my lappie. But be warned: Disturbing movies will fuck with your brain.

Gotta love disturrrbing movies! Gotta love David Lynch!

But despite that, I still don't have the courage to watch "Se7en". I have it, but I'm scared to watch! Huhu...

realization

I'm back.

My weekend is not enjoyable at all...huhu...I barely even got time to do my project work AND download a whole bunch of songs off limewire.

And after receiving a lecture from my mother, I've realised that I'm a failure. There are too many reason why I think that, I will never be able to list them all. Here's a few from the top of my head...

I have just a year left to complete my studies, yet my pointer seem to go down, down, down the drain. First, 2.67 then 2.43, then 2.25...I wonder will I ever be able to reach at least 3.00 by the end of my studies? I'm such a disappointment to my mom. She said, she really wants her kids to be successful in the studies, so that we don't have to beg from other people to help us when we have unsatisfying jobs later on. She figured that if me and my bro stick it up with studying and not prioritize in other things, we'd eventually become better and smarter. it's not that we're not smart, just lazy and we're putting entertainment as top priority.

I understand that I put entertainment first. For example, I could've studied about the courses that I took right now. University course. But instead of doing that, I study Spanish language, memorizing song lyrics, learning to play the guitar, surfing the net for useless trivia. I'd rather do all that than studying for my future! And at the end of the day, what do I get? Nothing. Zero. Nothing to write about in exams coz I've been studying something else. What will I do when I finally flunked this course? My Spanish is still poor...my voice is not that great...my guitar playing is worst than most people...I will be just a below average person who just pollutes the environment and stealing air. A waste of space. And I'm fat...and no guy will marry me so i can be a housewife. I can be a good housewife, but nobody wants me. I'll be the worst kind of human being!

If I'm applying for a job with my mediocre result, nobody will take me in. It'll be a different story if I'm breathtakingly beautiful, or if I'm a good speaker. But I'm none of the above! I'm not smart, I'm lazy, Ugly and shy! The only thing I can be if I keep procrastinating and lazying around is a crazy cat lady.

And sometimes I don't get it. Why I'm wasting away. I dunno, maybe this thing is like a chip that's embedded in my brain. Sometimes I don't realize what I'm doing to my mother. I ask for too much! And yet I give so little. I want a keyboard, mp3 player, travelling abroad, expensive books...and then I wonder why my mother don't wanna let me buy it. I always said that she's not "sporting" and stingy. But after her lecture yesterday, I came to my senses. I have no rights to ask for any of the things that I want. I'm a useless litle fuck!!! Why SHOULD she give me what I want? Knowing that the stuffs that I wanted will drift me further apart from reality! Can the things that I want book me for a bright future?? NO!

And travelling. She always said that she wanted to go to places too. But when I say to her that I want to go travel...she said "Watching the travel channel is more than enough...you can see the cultures, food, scenery at the comfort of home!" And I snapped. I didn't think. In her lecture, she said that she can easily go travel right now, but she is content just watching about those countries on the tv. It's not that she doesn't want it as badly as I, but she needs to save up the money that she have now for her future! She needs to be able to live as satisfyingly as she is now when she retired 4 years to come. She said she can't rely on her children to support her when she retire. And in my heart, I know she can't fully depend on me, coz I'm terrible. I dunno la what's wrong with me...sometimes I snapped without listening to reasons. Now I know why she's not spoiling me and my bro. I wish I could be more like her and plan out my future.

To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I wanna do after graduation. How pathetic is that?

I'm not gonna write here that I'm working on beating procrastination. Coz I'm afraid I don't come through. Just like my diet plan, it didn't go as smoothly as I would like. But know that I'm searching for motivation on the net and pasting it in my motivation book.

closure

I'm in another meeting! Yay! Horray for meetings! I love em! ;)

So I went to the office today to confirm about my 'employment' status. And to my relief, the madam there mis'ticked' my name as "Successful" and not "Failed". Horray again!! LOL normal people will be sad to know, but not in my case...I'm happy that I'm not confused anymore.

And I'm going back today!

blergeh bloody fool

OKaaaaaayy...my fellow group members just stood me up. We were supposed to meet here in the library for ANOTHER discussion. (If you notice, it seems like we're having discussions every day...well, we are.)'

Instead, we were to discuss it tomorrow. And I thought tomorrow is my happy day to go home. And the reason, one of em sure cannot datang wan, coz wanna rain ordy...waaaaa how lame is that reason, man? Damn you fool!

And now my battery's low...and the wifi is horrible...and...

You shouldn't read my blog rite now...I'm full of bottled anger and emo-ness and I bet you will be depressed and commit suicide after reading my blog.

Okay that's all...I really need to vent.

anything else?? kick me in da butt

Wei!

I'm going home tomorrow!!! TOMORRROOOOWWWWWWW......

I feel happy.

But I still have a thing that's bugging me. This morning, my friend told me that a Industrial Training list is up at the notice board stating what every one's status are so far. And my friend told me that the HUKM accepted me! And my mom told me that I didn't...she got the letter from HUKM. SO who I should believe? Even worst, I've already sent my resume to that other company on Tuesday!!! What tha hell is going on here???????? Huhuhuuuuuuuu~ As if I don't have enough problems already!

I'm gonna call my mom to make sure that the letter is from HUKM. I feel like I wanna go home right this moment to see the 'letter' for real. Is this some sorta April Fool prank for me by HUKM? If I found out......hmm I donno what to say la. I'm worst at calling people on tha phone...especially when he/she gonna be your boss on July!!

I dunno what to think. I hate to think that it's my fault for not double checking that HUKM wants me or not. I hate to think it. But if it's true that HUKM had sent a letter of rejection to my house, then it's totally not my fault. Like, when you get an official letter of reject, it's like 100% confirm that they didn't like you. Why would anyone bug the company after clearly receiving a reject letter? OK now I'm just reassuring myself...hunhhhh....